i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
