No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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