2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She is in my trunk
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
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I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
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That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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