i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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