I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
