dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
