Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
