Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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