Whod you bang
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
