New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
