i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
