I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
