Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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