I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
