my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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