I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
