My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
