sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
