so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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