is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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