Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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