I need to stop coming to work sober
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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