Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
