if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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