I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude i'm inner monologue high
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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