I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Michael Bay diarrhea
why do cheetos always look like penises
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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