It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I need to calm my uterus...
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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