I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
