i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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