The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
