I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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