Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
