I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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