So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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