I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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