just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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