you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
