I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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