finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
