Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
