I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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