So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
