I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
