I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
