Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
