No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy