I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
