I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
