yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
