if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
