my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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