i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
