Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I have fence marks all over my body
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
