Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
