I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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