Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
