i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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