Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
