U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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