Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
