I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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