so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
