The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
