And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
